An Open Letter

To those who oppose Healthy at Every Size,

As I pour over the endless support blogs, articles and scientific findings provided by the fatosphere, I also have the displeasure of finding all manner of trolls. Or worse professionals who have not taken the time to read our manifest, and instead jump to conclusions. So here I am going to set some of you straight.

The New Paradigm does not support or encourage binge eating. It does not support sitting on your “fat ass” all day eating ho hos. It does not support neglect, or negligence to your person. Every single one of us in the movement knows and is aware of our health. We understand and know how we got to where we are, whether it was by genetics, or gaining baby weight after one or multiple pregnancies. It may have been a bout of depression after a traumatic time in our lives, or it just might be unavoidable. Or maybe it’s the eight cokes we drink a day to keep ourselves awake as we work two shifts, or attend higher education.

Or it could just be that the size we are naturally isn’t the accepted aesthetic. We could be healthier than our size six counterpart, we could run every day and eat nothing but the healthiest of foods of appropriate portioning, and we would STILL be considered obese.

We are not shirking personal responsibility. We are arguing something much bigger, much more treacherous than whose fault it is that we fit in plus size apparel.

We are fighting a ridiculous and often unattainable standard. We are fighting the cookie cutter cute, the one size fits all beauty the magazines and media sell us. We are spreading awareness about the dangers of dieting, the lies that are told to young woman and men by their schools, peers and parents. Because no one knows any better, because this is how it has always been.

We are fighting for the right to be understood. That yes. We are overweight. But there are reasons we are, and they are more complex and dynamic than “we eat too much and never exercise.” Because we are human beings, and nothing is as simple as black and white when it comes to an individual.

So spare me your lectures on fitness, and that “just walking every day” is going to fix my problem. Because I have been down that road, I have followed all of your rules, and I am still considered obese. I have been obese since I was 14 and on a competitive swim team. So please. Spare yourself the trouble, and actually READ our manifest.

Then come back and tell me I’m less of a person because I have a higher BMI than you do.

There was a time when I would wake up in the morning and immediately set to doing thirty minutes of cardio. Before anything else was done in the day, I was on my DDR mat or out jogging the neighborhood–swimming, biking, anything to start my day off with at least three hundred calories down.

I would then write down every last thing that passed through my lips including beverages and measured out condiments.

I totaled my calories for the day at mid afternoon, divide them in half. I would then do another bout of cardio to make sure I annihilated that half from my system. I drank nothing but water. I made sure that I had three meals a day, but they were broken up into tiny snack sized portions. I ate no more than 800 calories after exercise. For an entire summer I did this, every single day and was applauded. I managed to drop into a size ten pair of pants, down to about 130 at my thinnest.

It has been the only way I have ever lost substantial weight.

I recognize my disordered eating, I was never completely anorexic–the headaches, the crushing migraines kept me from it–but I wanted to be that thin. Bones and skin and beauty all wrapped into a neat, minute package. The fatosphere and all it’s comfort and support won’t rid me of that underlying self hatred.

I can’t say that I no longer want that ideal. I know I will be healthier, happier at my Betty Paige goal. But sometimes I honestly believe I deserve to starve.

Whitney

A show that is near and dear to my heart is America’s Next Top Model. I’ve felt that for years now Tyra Banks has promoted the healthy, curvy figure that so many girls need to see in high fashion.  I don’t expect the fashion world to wake up one day and instantly realize that they’ve been promoting disordered eating.  Because I think they all ready know. The entire industry is built around external beauty, no one should be shocked that it’s built on self destructive behavior.

But I think Tyra is genuinely trying to make change happen, and for that I tip my glass to her.

AntM is contrived and campy. The challenges they put the girls through are exaggerated circumstances of the modeling world but let us face it, we love watching it. We love the eliminations, we love the photo shoots–and most of all we love the drama. You can’t tell me that when they were picking the final thirteen for the show, they weren’t saying “these two are NEVER going to get along. Let’s stick them in a house with ten other girls!”. It is first and foremost about entertainment.

So when you read the accusations that Whitney was asked to gain weight for the show (so she could be a whopping 8 to 10), or that she was guaranteed a spot in the final three? Believe it. I have no doubt that could have easily happened. And I don’t think it devalues her win whatsoever.  Her portfolio was one of the strongest, and compared to her competition Whitney could take direction like a fish to water.  I think it would have been better TV if she had gone up against Fatima in the final round, because I felt that girl could rake Anya across the coals—but I digress.

In the end it doesn’t matter how or why she got the grand prize–it’s that she did.  Even if it was a contrived victory, that still means the producers felt a heavy enough pressure to maneuver her into the final three. Which means we’re being heard, and change is starting.  Yes we need a clean win somewhere else, but I think the required bone density scans in Italian shows is another massive step forward.

So kudos to you Whitney, well played.

Weigh In: Month Four and Five

Hello neglected blog, I swear I haven’t forgotten you. Really, it’s school. It keeps eating all my time, but I swear to you baby I’m going to start treating you nice. Take you places. Just give me one more shot.

We will not speak of the month of March. Dark times. Dark times. Instead lets turn to happier things, month four’s weigh in.

Previous Weight: 16 stone

Measurements: 50″ 45″ 48″

Current Weight: 14 stone

Measurements: 49″ 45″ 47″

Are those results I see there? Who knew exercising and eating right would actually work. Crazy talk! I’m going to post pictures this week for visual reference. The lauded Before pictures everyone wants to see once you’ve become fabulous. I might even *gasp* write in here! Don’t hold your breath kids.

Weigh In Redux?

Due to my overwhelming frustration with my lack of weight loss, I hopped on the scale at my gym today. Because nothing cheers you up more, than reaffirming the giant number you add up to. I ticked the weights to 200 and then 25. It didn’t balance out. Perplexed, I skittered the smaller weight towards the lower numbers–still too heavy. The hell? I continue to do this until I get right down to 205–it balances out. I hopped off. I walked around, got back on. Same. Number. I ran out to the desk biscuit, and I was like “could you come weigh me, because I think I’m doing it wrong.” She laughed and agreed, apparently there are a lot of women with incorrect scales at home.

Same number.

I asked if there was any possibility that the number before us was wrong? Perhaps the scale had missed it’s recent maintenance. She laughed again and said that it is accurate by an ounce.

…
…..

So give or take an ounce, I weigh 205. So. Updated Month 3 Weigh In:

Previous Weight: 16 stone

Measurements: 50″ 45″ 48″

Current Weight: 14.6 stone

Measurements: 50″ 45″ 47″

Weigh In: Month 3

Well here we are kids, month three. I’m struggling with a feeling of defeat, while simultaneously jumping with pride. Why? Well let’s start with the defeat, and end on a good note:

Previous Weight: 16 stone

Measurements: 50″ 45″ 48″

Current Weight: 16 stone

Measurements: 50″ 45″ 47″

Summary: I have not lost one single ounce. Nor have I gained, but this is very frustrating for me. I have been meticulous with my calorie intake, staying around the healthy range of 1200-1500 per day. I work out every. Single. Day. (note: bouncing with pride). Sooo what gives body? On the bright side, I have lost another inch off of my hips. So there is progress…very painstakingly slow progress.

Future Goals: I’ve picked up a program for swim training, specifically the breast stroke. Instead of weight training TThS, I’m replacing it with the block of swimming. MWF will be cardio/weight training days. Let’s see if that sears the fat away.

Defeat and Me

I have never been able to accept being told No. The very idea that someone else would think themselves to have the power to deny me anything, well it is ridiculous. There is no greater motivator than someone telling me I can’t do something. Watch me.

The only person who can deny me anything is, you guessed it, myself.

So you can see my problem when it comes to emotional eating: I don’t tell myself No. No you can’t have that second helping because it’ll murder your calorie count, No you can’t give up on this set of reps because you’re bored, No you can’t eat that bowl of amy’s ice cream and not do cardio this afternoon. I drag myself to the gym after class every single day, cardio my ass for thirty minutes and then hit the weight room for twenty, and I am damn proud of myself.

So proud that I reward myself with three tollhouse cookies, and an entire sixth meal when I get home.  I deserve these three slices of pizza, because of all the triumphing over my anxiety disorder I did this week.  Did you see me? I went to the gym, and braved the weight room, attended all of my classes without being reduced to a sobbing mess.

I deserve this extra cheese stick of processed dairy death.

I have gained three more pounds, and that’s with exercise. You want to tell me it is muscle go right ahead. I know that at this point of the game, that isn’t how this works.

When I say I’m going to be meticulous with my calories in the upcoming week I NEED to believe it.

After all. I’m the only one who can, right?

Weigh In: Month 2

It feels like this should be at least month four or month five. I’ve really grappled and come to terms with so much over the past four weeks, that it feels as though I’ve won half the battle. Alas, three steps forward, one step back I’m afraid.

Previous Weight: 16 stone

Measurements: 50″ 45″ 48″

Current Weight: 16.1 stone

Measurements: 50″ 45″ 49″

Summary: I am disgusted with my inability to ration and maintain a low calorie/fat diet. Five pounds was an entire inch off my hips, and that was a stark realization for me. It is time to cut the emotional chord, enough with the masochistic coping mechanism.

Food can be an addiction. I need to go as cold turkey as I can.

Goals: 1200 calories a day. 30 mins of cardio Mon-Sat. Weight training TTh.

I will not be fat forever.

y helo thar 2008: Resolutions

I haven’t updated because the holidays consume everything. From Thanksgiving to Christmas, my time is allotted to finishing gifts, cleaning the apartment, readying for the next onslaught–and this year was worse due to school. So now the dust has settled and here I am, five steps back. In pounds no less.

I want to say I was at least good over the break, that I attempted to curtail my binge eating but alas, I fell victim to the stress. Food is my Go-To; food and spending money. I never channeled my anxiety or self hatred into cutting, it manifests in the calorie intake, the picked away cuticles, the red on the bank statement.

So here I am Two Thousandth and Eighth Year of our Lord, and I’m ready to stop. Full stop. I’m going to back track, I’m going lose a few battles, but by May? I want to have won the war.

See you on the 12th.

Weigh In: Month 1

Previous Measurements:

Current Weight: 16 stone (for you yanks, that’s 220 pounds)
Measurements: 50″ 45″ 50″

Current Measurements:

Current Weight: Still 16 stone (I wasn’t expecting this to change at all, not yet anyway)

Measurements: 50″ 45″ 48″

So. It looks like this is going to be a long haul. Positives for this weigh in are that I’ve been working out at least three times a week, and doing pilates at least twice a week. Let’s not forget the two inches I’ve lost off of my hips!

Summary: Maintained my starting weight (Opah!), and lost inches somewhere about my person. If I had bothered to measure my thighs and upper arms, I’m sure that would add to the inch count, but c’est la vie. I like to keep it simple.

Goals: Eating within my calories from this day forth. I’ve been bad, but in my defense November was a hellish month.

And I think December is going to be an easier eating month? hahahahahah. sigh